Thursday, November 15, 2007

Am I Anonymous Yet?

Today's guest poster will remain anonymous.

When I first saw -R-'s post about the Blog Share my immediate thought was, "Oh, hell no. No one will be writing on my blog but ME." But eventually (and perhaps inevitably) I started ruminating on how it could be fun to write in someone else's space, and how if they were willing to let me post my crazy and ridiculous thoughts for their readers then I should not feel badly about reciprocating. For me, the hardest part about letting go of a post is the feeling that somehow I have been negligent in my duties, that I am not keeping up my end of the bargain. And how many people are actually concerned when I do not post? Excluding myself, probably a big fat zero. So I am choosing to view this as an exercise in FUN, in capital letters- and here we go! Are you excited yet?

I thought for sure with the list of blogs lined up for the Blog Share that I would definitely find myself writing for someone whose blog I already frequented, someone that I felt I already knew fairly well, someone that I stalked read on an almost daily basis. But lo and behold, there was at least one blog that I had not yet discovered, and I found myself poring through archived posts trying to get a feel for who this KM person is. I found lots of great stuff: she is funny and sweet and intelligent. She is a bowler (I am the worst bowler ever, in real life and on the Wii) and she admires Julia Stiles's hair (so do I!). And while I found all this reading enlightening and enjoyable it made me realize that I am not here to compare our similarities and differences. What is this, Introduction to Critical Analysis 101? No. I am here to write an anonymous post, and dammit, that is what I'm going to do.

I've always found the idea of posting anonymously a bit absurd, possibly because I am narcissistic and believe that everyone should be as fascinated by my life as I am, possibly because I don't have many deep, dark secrets hiding in my soul that I need to share. It seems counterintutive to me to have a blog and yet not want people to know about you, yet I, too, am frequently drawn the sweet and dark anonymity of blogs like Post Secret. But there are definitely a few things that I would not be comfortable publishing on my own blog and this seems like a good place to store those thoughts.

* I have finally decided that I do want a marriage and children. It took a long time for me to get to that place and sometimes it makes me nervous to think about wanting something that might not ever happen. My life as it is is happy and content, I would hate to have something so important to me throw a monkey wrench into the works. I want him to want what I want. I want us to be on the same page. I don't know what I'll do if we don't end up there together.
* I feel as though I have to work harder than most people to overcome obstacles. I am sometimes feel resentful that I was born with my genetic makeup, a propensity towards being overweight, heart disease, high blood pressure, a quick temper, and stubbornness. I keep telling myself I do not have to be any of those things. I am better than that. I can change things. Most days it works. Some days it does not.
* I wish I could tell my parents I love them more frequently without them thinking it was because I was on my deathbed.
* I do not believe I am that great of a writer. I wish I was.
* Lately I have been considering a large shift in the nature of my work. There are many aspects of this that need to be weighed out: money, vacation, feeling as though I am doing good works, etc. Thankfully, I am in no rush to change, but it has been on my mind.

Wow. I feel surprisingly great that I could share some of these things and not have to answer to a flurry of concerned or surprised emails from people I know. Maybe I'll do this more often! Or you know, not. Because it is kind of stressful writing for someone else. And I already miss posting on my own blog.

A very big thank you to KM for hosting today. I hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.


3carnations said...

Nice post. The parent thing - My dad and I don't talk often, and I can't even CALL him without him thinking there is some sort of problem or big news, yet I never call with problems. "Is everyone OK?" I swear he expects me to announce I am pregnant every time I call.

KM said...

Fantastic post. The work bit hit close to home for me. I still wonder what I want to be when I grow up. Thanks for putting up a great post and raising the bar over here at MOV. :)

sognatrice said...

Sounds like you've been working through a lot of things lately and you're just about ready to take some action--how exciting!

And great post, btw :)

Anonymous said...

Yay! I really like this post. It feels good to get some things out there. Sorry, this is a lame comment, but I really mean it.

nabbalicious said...

Good for you! Isn't it great when you come to certain conclusions about your life? There's something freeing about it when you're able to admit things to yourself.

Gwen said...

Catharsis in anonymity - glad you found it!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing! That was great.

KM said...

I removed the links to other blog share participants so that they remain anonymous.