Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Blog Share: Excess Baggage

Today’s post is part of Blog Share and was written by an anonymous writer. To see the other anonymous posts today, see the previous post for a list of links.

There's a topic that I've wanted to blog about for the longest time, because it's something that I think would be healthy for me to write about and put out there. Unfortunately I've not been able to do so for a number of reasons; they all come back to the fact that I've chosen to make my blog a public one. Enter -R-'s Blog Share, and I've now been presented the perfect opportunity.

So here's my secret: When I was seventeen years old, I was raped.

You would not believe how hard it was for me to type that out, because seeing it up there on the screen for people to read is terrifying. There are a whopping two people in this world who I have disclosed this to in real life, and now here I am pronouncing it for the world - albeit a small segment of the world - to see. Thank heavens for remaining nameless.
The person I was seeing at the time was no stranger to me and was someone I cared for deeply. They were older than I was, though not by much. Old enough to make a difference. Old enough to know better. And apparently old enough to deem their wants and needs as being greater than my own.

I'd always been open about my thoughts on sex and the fact that I was not ready. Not once did I ever budge in that respect, and this person was well aware of the fact. Despite it sometimes becoming a quite obvious barrier between us, I fully believed that we were on the same page with it all. One night changed all of that, when the choice was taken away from me. In a way, the ordeal was even harder to deal with because my trust was shattered in one single blow. I don't think I have ever felt quite so empty before in my entire life, and would not wish the feeling on anybody.

There is no way that anyone should have had to go through all of that emotional wreckage, and do it alone. For years I didn't tell a soul, and even now it's not something I choose to put out there and make known. I'm one of the lucky ones though, because shortly after I was able to sever all ties and get away from this person. My heart aches for the people who are not so lucky, and who suffer in silence, alone. It's so easy to feel alone with that burden on your shoulders.

Looking back now, I know I shouldn't have bottled things up, but the stakes were too great. There would have been too much explaining to do, too much awkwardness with friends and family, too many things to deal with that to be honest? At seventeen years old, I simply could not deal with it all. All these years later though, it's still excess baggage that I carry inside of me, always lurking in the back of mind. Despite moving on and being able to trust again, I'm still wary of being taken advantage of - not in a physical sense, but in all aspects of my life.

My secret is out now; and I trust that you will be able to keep it that way for me.

Monday, February 25, 2008

It's About Time For Some Good News

I got a new job! It's kind of a promotion, kind of a lateral move, but most definitely something that I'm more excited to do. I start next Monday. Yay!

Here is a modified staff announcement regarding my new position:

Most recently, KM has served as development assistant on the SME team, where she has coordinated stewardship events and partnered closely with the events team on the annual SME events. Previously, KM held positions with the central development and gift planning teams, where she coordinated intimate fund-raising, cultivation, stewardship, and outreach events. KM has been a tireless supporter of our events; in her new role, KM will manage projects for New Xtina related to our annual Drinking Gala and Cartoon Chaos. As one of our new event coordinators, she will coordinate stewardship and cultivation events and provide consultation to volunteers hosting fund-raisers on our behalf.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Thank You

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words regarding D's father. D is...OK. He and BIL are doing a good job making arrangements and supporting their aunts, uncles and their mom--people who all had a longer and closer relationship with D's father.

Tomorrow it is up north to collect his belongings and close accounts and fill out paperwork. The plan is to have a service next Saturday in his home town. D and BIL said that their emotions are flipping between sadness and anger; that may or may not change tomorrow and over the next week. I'm just glad they've been able to handle the details and let the rest of the family take time to mourn.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Waiting for Emotion

Last night D received word that his father died. He relayed the information to me via cell phone-with little emotion-shortly after hearing the news. His feelings toward his father have always been ambivalent in nature; they did not have a bad relationship, rather not much of a relationship at all. In the nine years I've known D, he has seen his father twice. After his father declined an invitation to our wedding, D lost touch. I'm not really sure how D feels about all of this right now. I'm not sure he knows how he feels or what to expect in the coming days, months or possibly even years. He never had much of a relationship with his father, and now he never will.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Prettiest Q Ever

Unfortunately, the only digital puppy picture I have of Q makes her look fat and ugly. She was a cute puppy, I swear!! This was taken when she was about 9 weeks old in the bed Bro bought for her. The bed was later destroyed in what appeared to be a foam explosion (with tooth marks) but the tug lives on.
This is one of my favorite pictures of Q. She is so pretty and lovely and shiny. And look at those ears!

This is how I wish Q would sleep at night--all curled up in a ball. She looks so tiny, you'd hardly believe she's 65lbs.

Q in the trunk. No, we don't put her in the trunk; she loves the car and will do whatever it takes to get in.

Aw, Pretty Q!

I do love this picture of Q--she really is a good looking dog.

We brought Q home on Valentine's Day 2004. Adopting a puppy wasn't really the plan for the day, but as with all the great things in life, it happened all at once. It all started in 2000 when we made our own Valentine's Day tradition: we would take turns planning a Valentine's Day meal and/or excursion for just the two of us. In 2004, it was my year to plan. I intended to surprise D with a night at GameWorks, pizza and maybe a movie. I thought it would be fun and maybe he could teach me to play a video game or two. As we headed to Block E, he figured out where we were going and protested, saying that it wasn't fair that I planned the night out just for him and it wasn't something that I would usually do. Umm...that was the point...and I don't think that Anthony and Cleopatra at the Guthrie the year before was really for him.
So, my plan was foiled. As to still do something on Valentine's Day and not just go home to watch a rental, or worse, TV in separate rooms, I had to think on the fly of something that we would both enjoy doing. I came up with a visit to the Humane Society (we were close) and then making a nice dinner at home. Three hours later we had a puppy and were showing off our newest member of the family to my parents.
Q is our Humane Society Pedigree. She is mostly black with white tips on her toes and a slash on her chest. We adopted her at 8 weeks old, weighing in at 8 pounds. She was bow-legged and her ears were tipped just enough to give her attitude. We let that little girl rule our house with her puppy breath and wagging tail. Her name is derived from Cupid, for Valentine's Day. She had a slew of nicknames early on (Q-girl, Q-dog, Pretty Q, Snotty Q, Qt P2T, etc.) but now she goes by Q, Snot or Pretty. And she is just as snotty as she is pretty. Seriously.
Q now weighs in at 65 pounds and has the look of a black, smooth coated German Shepherd, if ever one existed. To see her run is something: she has a beautiful gate and a muscular build. We have no idea what breeds she is; vets, trainers and friends have guessed everything from the general Lab mix to Border Collie to Basenji. Q climbs trees, loves fish and only recently discovered the joys of belly rubs. She is a great cuddler, awesome jumper and a smart little devil with a truck load of crazy. We've been to our wits end and back with her, but we've enjoyed the ride and are glad to share our lives and our bed with her.
Happy Gotcha Day, Q!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Because I'm Posting About January In February

First: Apologies for being AWOL for so long. And for leaving you with lame posts. I have to work on that. I'll update you later on where I've been, also known as My Latest Excuse As To Why I Can't Update My Blog.

Second: I'm going to pat myself on the back for finishing in the Top 5 for GaGA January! I'm not nearly as AWESOME as OPH, but my local gym is not nearly as awesome as Barcelona, either. Congrats on crushing us all with your Awesome Activity and on your recent engagement! Congrats also to Kat, Erin and Nic!

Third: Here is my super cool badge for placing in the Top 5. I cannot, for the life of me, get it to appear correctly in my sidebar--even with all of Audrey's help. I'm html stupid, folks.

Third and a half: Audrey, ohmygod your dogs are cute!