Blog Share: Excess Baggage

Today’s post is part of Blog Share and was written by an anonymous writer. To see the other anonymous posts today, see the previous post for a list of links.

There's a topic that I've wanted to blog about for the longest time, because it's something that I think would be healthy for me to write about and put out there. Unfortunately I've not been able to do so for a number of reasons; they all come back to the fact that I've chosen to make my blog a public one. Enter -R-'s Blog Share, and I've now been presented the perfect opportunity.

So here's my secret: When I was seventeen years old, I was raped.

You would not believe how hard it was for me to type that out, because seeing it up there on the screen for people to read is terrifying. There are a whopping two people in this world who I have disclosed this to in real life, and now here I am pronouncing it for the world - albeit a small segment of the world - to see. Thank heavens for remaining nameless.
The person I was seeing at the time was no stranger to me and was someone I cared for deeply. They were older than I was, though not by much. Old enough to make a difference. Old enough to know better. And apparently old enough to deem their wants and needs as being greater than my own.

I'd always been open about my thoughts on sex and the fact that I was not ready. Not once did I ever budge in that respect, and this person was well aware of the fact. Despite it sometimes becoming a quite obvious barrier between us, I fully believed that we were on the same page with it all. One night changed all of that, when the choice was taken away from me. In a way, the ordeal was even harder to deal with because my trust was shattered in one single blow. I don't think I have ever felt quite so empty before in my entire life, and would not wish the feeling on anybody.

There is no way that anyone should have had to go through all of that emotional wreckage, and do it alone. For years I didn't tell a soul, and even now it's not something I choose to put out there and make known. I'm one of the lucky ones though, because shortly after I was able to sever all ties and get away from this person. My heart aches for the people who are not so lucky, and who suffer in silence, alone. It's so easy to feel alone with that burden on your shoulders.

Looking back now, I know I shouldn't have bottled things up, but the stakes were too great. There would have been too much explaining to do, too much awkwardness with friends and family, too many things to deal with that to be honest? At seventeen years old, I simply could not deal with it all. All these years later though, it's still excess baggage that I carry inside of me, always lurking in the back of mind. Despite moving on and being able to trust again, I'm still wary of being taken advantage of - not in a physical sense, but in all aspects of my life.

My secret is out now; and I trust that you will be able to keep it that way for me.