Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Blog Share: Excess Baggage

Today’s post is part of Blog Share and was written by an anonymous writer. To see the other anonymous posts today, see the previous post for a list of links.

There's a topic that I've wanted to blog about for the longest time, because it's something that I think would be healthy for me to write about and put out there. Unfortunately I've not been able to do so for a number of reasons; they all come back to the fact that I've chosen to make my blog a public one. Enter -R-'s Blog Share, and I've now been presented the perfect opportunity.

So here's my secret: When I was seventeen years old, I was raped.

You would not believe how hard it was for me to type that out, because seeing it up there on the screen for people to read is terrifying. There are a whopping two people in this world who I have disclosed this to in real life, and now here I am pronouncing it for the world - albeit a small segment of the world - to see. Thank heavens for remaining nameless.
The person I was seeing at the time was no stranger to me and was someone I cared for deeply. They were older than I was, though not by much. Old enough to make a difference. Old enough to know better. And apparently old enough to deem their wants and needs as being greater than my own.

I'd always been open about my thoughts on sex and the fact that I was not ready. Not once did I ever budge in that respect, and this person was well aware of the fact. Despite it sometimes becoming a quite obvious barrier between us, I fully believed that we were on the same page with it all. One night changed all of that, when the choice was taken away from me. In a way, the ordeal was even harder to deal with because my trust was shattered in one single blow. I don't think I have ever felt quite so empty before in my entire life, and would not wish the feeling on anybody.

There is no way that anyone should have had to go through all of that emotional wreckage, and do it alone. For years I didn't tell a soul, and even now it's not something I choose to put out there and make known. I'm one of the lucky ones though, because shortly after I was able to sever all ties and get away from this person. My heart aches for the people who are not so lucky, and who suffer in silence, alone. It's so easy to feel alone with that burden on your shoulders.

Looking back now, I know I shouldn't have bottled things up, but the stakes were too great. There would have been too much explaining to do, too much awkwardness with friends and family, too many things to deal with that to be honest? At seventeen years old, I simply could not deal with it all. All these years later though, it's still excess baggage that I carry inside of me, always lurking in the back of mind. Despite moving on and being able to trust again, I'm still wary of being taken advantage of - not in a physical sense, but in all aspects of my life.

My secret is out now; and I trust that you will be able to keep it that way for me.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing that. It could not have been easy, and I'm so sorry you went through it. I hope it has somehow helped to get it out.

Anonymous said...

I wish I knew who you are. We'd have a lot to talk about.

lizgwiz said...

Very powerful. I hope it helped to get it out, and certainly your secret is safe with us.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing.

nancypearlwannabe said...

That must have been really hard to write about. Thanks for sharing. Your secret is safe with us.

Elise said...

How DO we ever get over these things? These deep hurts that cut us to our very core? I've never been able to completely get over my deepest hurt; no matter how much I've tried, it's still there, still lurking around.

My heart breaks for you. I am glad you are writing about it - it's always so cathartic to just get it out.

Lara said...

You are SO brave for writing that, and even though I don't know you, I am proud of you. I, too, hope it helped to open the bottle up a little bit and let some of it out. I, for one, am honored to have been in your confidence.

Noelle said...

It's safe with me. I hope that getting it in print helps you in some way. My blog share today was extremely cathartic.

Anonymous said...

There is always a sense of responsibility and guilt that is hard to shake off in any case of abuse. I hope that writing about this proved cathartic for you? Maybe reading this will also give others the strength to share similar things they have kept secret.

I know it sounds trite but everything we go through, good and bad, makes us what we are today. I believe that anyway. I would not change anything that has changed to me, not even the very worst stuff, because then I would not be me. Although I have not always felt that way.

Kaytabug said...

Hugs to you. I hope getting it out here will help you. It is tough keeping things inside.

This was kind of hard to read only because I related to it too much.
Being raped is horrific enough, but to have your virginity stolen at the same time... that I can not even being to imagine. I was not able to tell anyone what happened at 17 either. It took me years to tell someone. My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are not alone.