Truce

In 7th grade I thought I was quite the prankster. No, I never did the saran wrap on the toilet or rubber band around the kitchen sink sprayer, but I did play a mighty fine April Fools' Day joke on my dad; and from this I gained first hand experience as to why you never pick a fight with someone bigger, smarter or more ruthless than you.

It all started with a mid-day phone call to Dad's office. Jan, his secretary, told me that he was out to lunch but that he had his cell phone on him (yes, my dad had a cell phone--a huge, lug it around in a suit case cell phone--in 1991). I had built up the courage to make the initial phone call, so I wasn't about to stop there...I dialed his cell phone from the main office at my middle school. When he answered, I delivered the news that I had been expelled or suspended (I can't remember which as neither of them seems at all believable to me know) and that he needed to pick me up from school immediately. I must have been fairly convincing as he said he was on his way.

I hung up and had a hardy laugh with a friend who was planning to play the same trick on her mom. I don't really know where we came up with this idea or why we thought it was funny, but at the time it was hilarious. After the laugh, I called my dad back to say "April Fools!" He was not laughing. He just left a client at lunch. I was in T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

Nothing really came of my prank. I think he said that I had him and he was glad I called back within a short time frame. I think he also said something along the lines of 'pay back is a bitch' but he may or may not have actually said 'bitch'; I can't recall.

A year went by.

In 8th grade I got braces. I actually liked having braces as it made me feel older--and got me out of school for check-ups. In March my mom took me to the orthodontist and my next appointment happened to be scheduled on April 1. My mom scheduled it; I thought nothing of it. As April Fools' Day drew nearer, I asked my dad if he had planned his revenge--he said he had a few things he was thinking about, but nothing was planned yet.

The morning on my ortho appointment, my mom could no longer take me and my dad took me to the office instead. The whole way there I was skeptical, I kept questioning him about what he was going to have them do to me. His response was that my orthodontist was a busy person and it was a professional office--how would he ever convince them to help him play a joke on me? He's in sales--he's very convincing.

My appointment was very routine: assistants coming in and out and changing my bands and tightening brackets and then the orthodontist came in. It was an X-ray appointment. He reviewed them and said that I wasn't making the kind of progress he had hoped for. The assistant came in with some kind of contraption...he explained that it was Reverse-Pull Head Gear and that I needed to wear it 24 hours a day for a month and then we would re-evaluate my progress. As the assistant fitted me I tried to negotiate: only at night for 2 months--3 months--an entire year! No. No. No.

They handed me a mirror and tears were streaming down my face. The office was silent. My dad leaned over and said, "April Fools' Day." My jaw dropped (well, as far as it could with the face mask on) and I was immediately relieved. He put out his hand and offered, "Truce."

Now you may think that my dad is horrible and mean and evil and 'how could he do that to his daughter--watch her cry?' and all of that. I get it, but really, I don't think it was any worse than me calling him out of a client lunch pretending that I was in massive trouble at school. He said he didn't have this planned all along, but when the opportunity arose that morning he called the ortho office and asked if they could help him out. He didn't know what was in store, only that it would be something mortifying to a teenage girl.

So now we have a truce and a funny story. I'm glad I can let April Fools' Day come and go without worry. Any pranks you care to share?

Thank You

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words regarding D's father. D is...OK. He and BIL are doing a good job making arrangements and supporting their aunts, uncles and their mom--people who all had a longer and closer relationship with D's father.

Tomorrow it is up north to collect his belongings and close accounts and fill out paperwork. The plan is to have a service next Saturday in his home town. D and BIL said that their emotions are flipping between sadness and anger; that may or may not change tomorrow and over the next week. I'm just glad they've been able to handle the details and let the rest of the family take time to mourn.

Waiting for Emotion

Last night D received word that his father died. He relayed the information to me via cell phone-with little emotion-shortly after hearing the news. His feelings toward his father have always been ambivalent in nature; they did not have a bad relationship, rather not much of a relationship at all. In the nine years I've known D, he has seen his father twice. After his father declined an invitation to our wedding, D lost touch. I'm not really sure how D feels about all of this right now. I'm not sure he knows how he feels or what to expect in the coming days, months or possibly even years. He never had much of a relationship with his father, and now he never will.

Recipes of Christmas

KM's Christmas Baking

• Peppermint Bark (So easy. A great office treat.)
• Sugar Mint Cookies (I made this up last year because I made too much Peppermint Bark and left over sugar cookie ingredients. It's especially good for those that don't like chocolate but love mint.)
• Peppermint Patty Cookies (Credited to RA)
• Easy Turtle Candies (Credited to ex-Director who first brought them in to the office)
• Oatmeal Scotchies
• Baked French Toast
• Brown Sugar Bacon (The recipe request that inspired this post.)

Friends & Family Christmas Baking

• My aunt makes Swedish Toast every year along with Jifta (Great for the Scandahoovians!) She swears Swedish Toast is easier than biscotti, but I think it's just as time consuming to prep and bake. It's great for dunking, though!
• D's aunt long ago started bringing Tequilaberry's Salad to Christmas and Easter, now holiday meals just aren't the same without it.
• SIL made a pretty batch of Holiday Wreaths for others; I just asked for a huge blob of the stuff since these are some of my favorites and four wreaths just won't do.
• Another aunt of mine makes Russian Tea for all of the families each year. Although it's not really tea, it's a tasty hot drink. She would not give me her secret recipe, but said that the link is close.

KM's New Year's Baking

• Two years ago I started making homemade caramels to add to my goody baskets; this year however, the multiple snow storms and bad driving conditions did not allow me to buy the necessary ingredients. My dad made a little pouty face after opening the caramel-free tin so I promised to make them for NYE.
• Biscotti is the last on my list but the first in my heart, saving the best for last, if you will. My love of biscotti started at a young age when I would accompany my mom to the Grand Ave Dunn Bros as she held volunteer meetings and interviews. When I took my current job with the ever so convenient tunnel to Sbux, my love of biscotti hurt my checkbook. After learning to make Swedish Toast, I decided I could handle biscotti and set out to find my favorite twice baked cookie recipe. Along with a variation of Vanilla Almond Biscotti that lives only in my kitchen cupboard and not on my computer, this Vanilla Bean Biscotti is a treat that my mom and I both treasure. It is such a pity that D's family had never even heard of biscotti until I first made it, and even then did not delight in the crunchy, crumbly cookie that longed to be dipped and dunked in latte. Oh well, more for me.

Christmas Recap

We had a wonderful Christmas holiday spent with family--LOTS of family. And we're not done yet!

Here are just a few of the highlights:

• Biggest Ooh-aah gift: Pearl pendant necklace from D
• Goofiest moment: D and BIL telling stories from their childhood at MIL's family dinner--these stories are ridiculous and almost seem fictional, but everyone remembers them so unless it's a conspiracy I think they're true.
• Most wonderful/useful gift: Wrought iron bed from my parents--we are so excited for it to arrive!
• Yummiest food: Ham at D's aunt's on Christmas Day, wreath cookies by SIL and brown sugar bacon with my parents.
• Best gift given: iPod to my mom with pink ear buds

And yes, I did finish all of my holiday baking--well, the revised list of holiday baking after the snow storms prevented me from making it to the grocery story for more ingredients on Sunday night. What? I shouldn't procrastinate? Whatever. I made Oatmeal Scotchies, Peppermint Patty cookies, Sugar Mint cookies, baked French toast and baked brown sugar bacon. I plan to make vanilla bean biscotti and caramels for New Year's as those are mostly for my family anyway and we will likely spend the evening with them.

All Over the Place: Went to California for a Coke

I have yet another cold. I'm pretty sure it's a new rhino virus all together, but I suppose it could be the same one and it just took a brief vacation. I don't know why I'm telling you this except to say that I super pink puffy heart the new Puffs Plus [lotion] with the Scent of Vicks. (Word to the wise, avoid contact with your eyes. (My rhymes ROCK.)) I offered one to a co-worker with a cold and she said that the idea scared her, I then offered her a regular Puffs, but said Kleenex instead of tissue. That got me thinking, how many items do I call by a brand name? And then I remembered The McDonald's Incident.

When I was 14, my mom sent me and my then 10-year-old brother to California. One might ask why in the world she would do this, and I have no good reason for you, but I'll tell you the story anyway. (Why not make an already boring and pointless post even longer?)

Shortly before spring break of my freshman year of high school I came home and started to complain that all my friends were going on vacation and would come back tan and I would still be pale. I then demanded that my mom buy me a tanning package so that once my friends returned from their tropical family vacations I would not blind them with my pasty-whiteness. My mother scoffed at that idea. She thought it was insane to send her 14 year-old daughter to a tanning salon and dismissed the idea completely. A few hours later she was on the phone with her cousin in California. As it turned out, my brother and I both had spring break at the same time and my mom's cousin was willing to let us stay at her place. See what a little whining will do? I just wanted a tanning package and my mom sent me on a vacation!

Bro and I were headed to CA all alone. We stayed with my mom's cousin and her husband, and they took us everywhere. We went to Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm. We went boogie boarding in the Pacific and learned to shoot a BB gun (at the time I thought it was fun, looking at pictures of it makes me cringe). It was a great vacation and I did come home with a tan, and bangs--my mom's cousin owned (still owns) a hair salon. It was an all around great trip with plenty of stories to tell, but the story that sticks will me and lives on is a humorous little happening--in McDonald's of all places.

After a day of boogie boarding and bicycling, we stopped for a quick bite to eat. It was my turn to order and I said something like, "Can I please get (yes, that is how I order--my mother taught me well) two plain hamburgers and a small pop." The teenage girl taking my order turned white in the face and said, "I'm sorry, we're all out of that." Shocked, I stood frozen, glancing around the room. The pop machine was in the dining area, so I just needed a glass. I was sure I hadn't specified a type of pop, and McDonald's couldn't really be out of hamburgers, could they? Coming to the realization that we weren't in Minnesota, I quickly blurted out, "Soda! Coke! A small beverage!" Her face turned from white to bright red and she handed me a small cup. Bro thought that was hilarious. Of course, he was 10, but he still won't let me live it down. He'll randomly bust out "Soda! Coke! A small beverage!" with a sense of urgency when I order a drink even now. I have no idea how he managed to remember that but forget about me holding a BB gun.

And just think, all it took to bring this memory to the forefront of my mind (and make me post about it nonetheless) was saying 'Kleenex' went I meant tissue. I also say 'Chap Stick' for lip balm, but I don't say 'Coke' unless I'm ordering a diet with grenadine.

How I Will One Day Embarrass My Hypothetical Future Children

When I was 14 my family packed into the minivan to travel from MN to Jackson Hole, WY. We were on our way to a family reunion. It can't get more exciting than that, people. This was a gathering of my mom's family and more specifically, of my mom's mom's family. (I could just of easily have said "My maternal grandmother" but I always chuckle when people go through the relationship tree: my dad's sister's crazy daughter's husband vs. my cousin's husband.) And let me tell you, while my mom's sisters (I did it again just for you) are crazier than she is, she is definitely less inhibited and more likely to make a complete fool of herself.

On with the story: One afternoon we (me, my mom, and a few of my aunts) were walking through a grocery store and saw a crate full of fruit with a sign reading: MANGOES. My mother loudly and enthusiastically exclaimed, "Ooh, mangoes! I hate mangoes." On the same shopping 'adventure' she wondered off on her own down an aisle of boxed foods and began to clipitty-clop in her cowboy boots. She then ran around to find us in the next aisle over and excitedly asked, "Did I sound like a horse? Did I? Did I?" Did I mention I was 14? OH MY GOD; I was mortified. So, that is the story of My Mom, the Grocery Store and the Cowboy Boots.

It's A Bird. It's A Plane.

Yes, I spent the entire day in a bowling center. Again. I swear there is a world where people think this is cool, though. Or at least not completely lame. Anyway, there was a big local tournament this weekend and both my dad and my brother did well enough on Saturday to make it to Sunday. Whoo hoo! I started my morning with yet another Grande Nonfat Chai and later had to supplement my caffeine intake with a Diet Dr. Pepper. (While I do love bowling and like to watch it, I'll admit that it does get a little slow.) My brother finished 8th. That is quite a good showing. My dad, however, has become some crazy good bowler (again) in the last few years and decided to make me stay at the bowling center for a total of 8.5 hours yesterday. A handful of people stayed to watch the final matches and when it was all said and done my dad was probably the underdog going in to the final match. While my dad is quite good, and called Superman on occasion by his peers, his opponent is still in his prime--my dad is on the senior circuit. In order to win, my dad would need to beat the hot younger player twice. He did it. He won. It was awesome. My dad rocks.

***I wrote this at about 6:00 pm on Sunday. My poor Internet connection at home would not let me post as it always timed out. I tried to publish a few more times, but eventually I needed to go to bed. So, I kept the time stamp from the last time I saved it. I hate to have the appearance of cheating so early in NaBloPoMo, but I tried, and tried, and tried.***